As I sit here a week away from my 40th birthday I’ve been spending some time thinking about the past decade. My 30’s are sort of blur but it was full of running. So much running.
How do I describe a whole decade in just a few words, I don’t think it’s possible really.
They were full of really good times but also really bad. Right after I turned 30 I got married, like literally four days later or was it 2? It doesn’t matter. There were so many things that happened beforehand that really should have been warning signs. I thought I was in love, I had a stable home for my daughter and we were supposed to be a family. Little did I know that it was all for show and it would turn real bad real fast.
I spent the next three years trying to build my business while also trying to survive emotionally and mentally. It’s not worth getting into those details right now, that’s a story for another day. If you were in my life during that time you’re well aware, and I thank you. At the end of those three years I moved out on my own again and was in the process of a divorce. I had a 13 year old and the next two years we’re really really hard. I was trying to find myself as a person who really was traumatized and lost, throwing myself into running while I had this teenage child who was working through their own stuff. We had a hard time. We’re on the other side now and if you would have told me then that we’d be where we are, I would have laughed in your face.
I traveled solo, I flew to other countries and I ran in places that I could only ever imagine. I made so many great friends and my business really blossomed. I put myself out there and found love, got hurt and found another. More importantly allowing myself to be loved. Gaining independence again was scary and full of excitement.
There’s just so much nuance that exists in that space but it’s impossible to capture it with words. Looking back on photos, it’s so hard to choose but what I do see through all the really hard and full of new trauma, there was so much happiness. I found lifelong friends in that space, gaining meaningful relationships that changed my life.
But there was also so much growth. 30 was a time where I was growing up. Having my daughter at 19 and being a single parent even throughout my marriage, growing up at the same time but also responsible for someone else. So how could I grow into who I was supposed to be when I was responsible for someone else in their formative years? In my later 30’s I was growing closer into the adult that I wanted to be or deserved to be or thought I should be.
It is strange to be in this next year of life turning 40 and my daughter turning 21. How did that happen? I look forward to this new stage within our relationship. Having a healthy adult relationship with your child is something that unfortunately I don’t think a whole lot of us get to experience either as the parent or child. I know for myself neither one of my parents were present in that way. So here we are making new rules and changing dynamics.
40 can’t be like 30 and there’s so many lives that were lived in my 30’s, well maybe not so many but at least two. I’m not sure what I’m so afraid of for 40 because there’s so much opportunity and there’s so much that I can’t predict. Maybe that’s part of it, maybe it’s overwhelming that there is so much. That there is endless opportunity and endless lives to live. People to meet and experiences to have that it’s too much to think about all at once.
Cheers to fellow 1984 people hitting the milestone together!