Truly Accepting the Things I Cannot Change

No matter how hard we try there are things that are out of our control. Things that we have no say in, things that happen no matter what. A couple of days ago I got that piece of information that I had been waiting for. I knew it was inevitable and it was just a matter of time before it happened. There are others who were still in the “if” stage, believing that it wouldn’t happen again. I knew better. Sometimes there are things that just don’t get better, the person/thing is so far damaged beyond repair that the only humane option is the end. But the tricky part is when the people affected are so concentrated on the hope, that they can’t see the pain and refuse to believe the end is the result.

Hope is strong, it can get you through many things and give you something to hold on to when everything else has failed. Hope is a death sentence as well, you get stuck in the illusion of what the truth is and reality becomes a blur. The truth hurts. Is hope some kind of a lie we say to ourselves to avoid the truth that bad things happen? They say that honesty is the best policy. does that apply to the ones we love, we care about? The little white lies, the half-truths and even the straight out omissions of the truth, do they come with a cost as well?

At some point in ones life there is a line drawn, not a line you can see, but it is so real that you can still trip over it. There is a time that comes that hope is no longer an option, it becomes a thing of the past, a distant memory. A tie is cut and a line put in it’s place, the line of protecting yourself and letting a person you love go. Don’t get me wrong that is a hard thing to do, to put yourself before others, to be selfish. but really who so we really have besides ourselves? Who is going to hold you accountable for your own actions, who is going to be there when no one else is?

I drew that line along time ago, it was not an easy decision, but I knew it was the right one. Me, Myself, and I were more important than the woman who was supposed to be my mother. Living in a world of secrecy and lies, love and hate, uncertainty and despair was over. At that moment the weight of worrying was lifted, I was no longer the caretaker and how liberating that was.
That cycle was going to break, right then.

With the events as of late, the news was the same as reading the paper, nothing new, just a different series of events leading up to the fall. The hurt happened when I had to witness the realization in my sister that she now had to draw that line. How can someone who has longed for her whole life to have a mother, now decide by her choice not to have one? It is quite possible that that line cannot be drawn until you are a mother yourself, to feel the bond, the love, and all the possibilities for your child. Not then do you understand that you will NOT be the mother you had. The unspoken vow taken at birth to protect them and give them the life you never had.

In the end it is possible to have good come out of the bad, and hope can shine once again through that promise of a better life.

Some Like It Hot

Even though my mind was screaming at me to run, run, run, I had the confirmation that I thought that I needed to rest. That was hard to do, crawling out of my skin actually. I found a sweet lawn project to do(which came with a sweet sunburn) and rested.

Yesterday Roger and I were signed up for a 5k race, the Susan G. Komen race for the cure. His first ever 5k race and mine after not running in almost a week. It was good, hot, but good. My knee felt fine and I was so happy to be running, most of you will understand that feeling. I didn’t want to stop at the 3mile marker, and I got in under 24minutes. My knee is sore today, which I fully expected but I feel good. I have a good plan to ease back in this week, I know that if I push too hard, I will re hurt myself or make the knee worse. So I’m gonna suck it up and go slow.

Ride the Drive is today and that is an awesome kick off to Madison’s bike to work week, which I plan to do.

Since my focus has not been on my running, I got to cook and bake yesterday for a dinner party we had. Everything turned out awesome, and the company was fantastic. I really do love entertaining.

No Pain No Gain?

What a week! I tried out my new socks for my early week runs and they were cooler, but it seems like they came with a cost. Runners knee! What a sucky thing, I had to stop short of my run on Thursday which was very upsetting. I had just adjusted my training program to increase milage and add in my 2 new races I signed up for. Also some speed and tempo training, along with less cross training.
I went to the doctor to make sure I hadn’t hurt it seriously, ICE was the prescription and to stay off of it. Today its feeling better so I hope I can run tomorrow, it’s 9 miles.

On another note, my sister is doing ok, the have told her that the cancer will be dormant for pretty much ever. One doctor wants to make the tumors grow so they can figure out the source then attack both at the same time. It’s very time consuming and very costly. She sought a second opinion and they have a new drug that she will take twice a day and it will make her kidneys healthier and work better, but might make her kidneys sore, but healthy. It is not a long term solution, but since she’s ok, that seems to be the better option.

A month has gone by and I am still feeling optimistic and positive, for the most part don’t even miss it. Yay, me!

Rapture? What Rapture?

Whew! What a weekend!  Lots of live music, and tons of activity. Sometimes there is not enough time in a weekend to get everything done and have quality time together.

I made Saturday my long run day since Sunday was filled with biking. 8 miles I ran, I picked a new route to run, I ran past work, down the hill and back. I got rained on a little, honked at by some bikers, and passed a girl. Since my runs are getting longer I am trying out some different fuel sources. Right now I’m testing the gel market, Hammer and Roctane have both been good to me.
Sunday was the B Cycle launch and it was awesome, such a great way to make Madison more awesome, not sure how much more awesome it can get though!

Today’s run was good, tried out the new gear I got this weekend, was a bit sluggish, but got it done. According to my training I am only supposed to be running 4.5 daily, but I’ve amped it up to 6, my body wants more than that and I feel like I am up for the challenge. It can only make me stronger! I have signed up for two additional races, the Susan G. Komen one in about 2 weeks and the Waunafest Run at the end of July. Day by day I am feeling the improvement in my fitness and it is awesome to see the results that I never thought were gonna come!

One Day at a Time

That first drink, the hotness of it slowly going down my throat warming my whole body from the inside out. The taste, the smell, the utter joy of it once it touches my lips. I am sure that I literally close my eyes as I sip the dark liquid careful not to burn my tongue. What could this drink be that brings me such pure bliss?
For as long as I remember I have drank coffee and have enjoyed it so much so, no milk, just sugar or black. For this reason I have decided to give up soda, diet coke specifically. I drink so much coffee that there is no need for added caffeine especially when I am exercising so much. I have come to the conclusion that it will make me drink more water. This indeed has worked for the past 2 months or so……until last night.
I snapped, I was sick of water and had already downed a pot a coffee earlier in the day so i decided to go for it. That case of lime diet coke had been taunting me …just one, you know you want to….no one is gonna know. I chugged the whole can in probably less than 5 minutes. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t good. It was good, but it was not how I remember it.
I did not crave another one.

The running has been going well, I over did it on Tuesday with a 5 mile run followed by a 4 hour(40 mile) bike ride in 20mph winds. needless to say yesterday was my rest day instead of tomorrow. Today I was going for speed and I did it, 5 miles in 35 minutes, a 7 minute mile!!! It was so nice to not run into the wind.
There is a 5k in two weeks, and couple other bike rides and I want to get in at least 3 more races until the mini. I may have a running partner soon, I am very excited to have him train with me.

until next time my dear friends

running on accident?

I have caught the running itch. I mean I have been training for about 4 months now and just recently I have found that I WANT to go run. On my rest day and my short run days, I just wanna go further. So maybe that is why I ran 8 miles yesterday and not 7. Totally didn’t see the mile markers on the trail and I got to 4 and realized I just added a mile.

I always in the past had needed gum when i ran, it had to do with my breathing, I would breathe too deep and then concentrate on the dryness of my mouth. I have since stopped my gum dependency. In the world of distance running you need some supplements, I’ve tried some chews which i liked, who doesn’t want to eat fruit snacks while running? yesterday i tried out a gel made by Hammer, I didn’t know what to expect, it was like a paste but fruity and it obviously helped cuz when those 8 miles were over I wanted to keep going and I had energy left afterwards.

I was hesitant to go out due to the wind, but I did surprisingly well, 1:10:30 for 8 miles less than a 9 minute mile with a 15-20 mph wind. not too shabby if i do say myself!

Today is a much needed pilates session after my homemade chocolate chip cookies I had for breakfast dunked in steaming hot coffee, mmmmmmm!!

push it reaalll goood

The hot weather is here. So my body has been acclimated to the cooler weather, now I have to get used to the hot weather. I have favorite socks that I wear(not the same pair, but a specific type) and I have realized while running my feet are so HOT! time to look for a thinner sock, ugghhh! Also, I am finding that I am needing to carry water when I normally would not, I knew it would happen just didn’t want to yet.
I feel as though my weekly mileage needs to be higher, I know I am only training for a half marathon, but I want to go bigger! I have the running fever! My weekly mileage is about 16-20, I think I want it to be 25-30. After 3 months of training, my body is starting to react, and I can’t lie, I think I am starting to like my body for the first time EVER and I am healthy! I have this sense of happiness that I haven’t had before, I am making some big changes in my life and I feel greatly optimistic!
so watch out world!

It’s getting hot in HERE

Talk about a busy weekend, between the fashion show on friday(which was amazing by the way) and the lovely night out after, Friday ended the week perfectly! The hair, the makeup, the pretty ladies, the wonderful food, amazing clothes, and electric energy put the stamp on a fabulous night. I also conquered something thought to be very difficult and I did it without even blinking an eye. In the moments of anxiety and stomach rumbles it wasn’t even a thought, yes it would have calmed my nerves but NO ThANKS was the obvious answer. Man did I feel great, my adreneline was pumping faster than I could handle and i was so proud of myself for the small step in the right direction. Roger had planned a romantic night afterwards, and it was indeed great.

you know when you go to a sporting event and there is that one person who is cheering the loudest and yelling as if the players can hear them? That’s me. While at my brothers slow pitch softball tournement i went from sitting on the bleachers covered up with a blanket to standing up cheering on the players in the matter of about 5 minutes.

moms day this year was one of the best, my baby girl let me get in my 6 mile run. It was a PERFECT day to run and I did it in 53minutes, not too bad. and most of all i got QT with my cutie!

alrighty i am off and running(literally, those miles don’t run themselves)

Bike Rides and No Bullshit

Yesterday was so beautiful and I got the pleasure to ride my bike around lake monona with Brando. It was my first attempt and really trying not to get lost in the massive city of monona. We made it and got to have sweet chinese food on the way. can we say score!?

starting the day meeting a woman who is going to be one of the most important people in my life. The journey that I see us going through is going to be amazing and the outcome is going to be life changing. My outlook on life in teh present and in the future is so bright I literally had to put my shades on. I am sooo done with dwelling on the things that have already happened and ready to dive in with no bullshit.

Then after work I get the pleasure of getting my hair did for the fashion show tomorrow night. Ashlee is amazing, some gloss color and I feel like a new woman! I am so excited to be a part of this show, so many amazing woman involved and for such a good cause. And, I’ll get all done up and be a show stopper!

Saturday is going to be a great day as well. I get to see my brother play one of his favorite sports: softball. I do always enjoy it, and Roger gets to come and see the all star athlete he is!


Saturday was my first race. The forecast was saying rain and wind. I really didn’t care about the rain, it’s the wind. So, as it turned out no rain, but wind aarrgghhh!

I think about 20,000 people showed up to race, I was racing on a team that donated the cost to the make-a-wish foundation. My wave was section I, semi towards the front. I am all ready for the race. I am layered up, got my ipod, etc. Only to find out that Ipod=dead, go figure. Under layer=too hot. So on my first race I ran with no music and I had to change at the starting line.
 I was ready even though I hadn’t ran since Tuesday.

Observatory hill was the least of my worries, it was the wind!!!  rounding mile 3, I was feeling good, that was the watering hole. I was very hesitant to drink on the run, and at the last minute I grabbed a cup and struggled to drink without splashing myself in the face. Instant side ache that continued into mile 4 and I was going down hard, talk about a dive. I was confused since I run 5 miles all the time with no problem. But by the time I got to 4.5 I was pushing to the finish line. Upon crossing the finish I had no idea what my time was, I was too busy scanning the faces for Roger and the kids.
I was convinced all day I had had my worst run ever. results are in: 42:48, my best time yet!! So needless to say even though it seemed the cards were stacked against me, I still came out on top.