There is no doubt that the last 5 months have been one large dumpster fire. The uncertainty of jobs, health, schools, and general well being has been overwhelming to most. I feel as though my reaction to it all was appropriate and minimal. Being a running coach and people being home, having more time or allocating it differently allowed my personal business to flourish. Even with races being cancelled/rescheduled and then cancelled again didn’t seem to kill the runner spirit. Don’t get me wrong, it was tough to not see people and running with clients was a no-go. The shaming and the holier than thou attitude was worse.  Then add in a movement that was a long time coming and nothing nor everything was right.

I am no stranger to anxiety. Within the past year and a half it had seemed to disappear. Life has been good. Business is booming and steps have been taken to diversify. My personal running has been good overall and my sponsorship with Suunto is continuing. I have been working on paying off debt to set myself up nicely to make the ever present move out west.

This week though has been a struggle. My heart and soul belong in the wilderness. Stepping foot on Madison soil came with so much dread and disgust. For the past few days I have been trying to figure out why I am feeling this way so suddenly. I haven’t been sleeping well due to anxiety dreams and am unmotivated to run. I have had this unnerving cloud of sadness and suffocation looming all around me. Where is this coming from?

I have pinpointed two main things: 1. It is time for me to leave. I have been wanting to move out west for sometime now, but wanting and talking about it are very different than actually doing it. It is an excitingly scary thing to do. At 36 years old I have never lived outside of Wisconsin for reasons that I always thought were out of my control. Each trip I take out west it is harder and harder to come back and adjust to life here. 2. The recent health issues from my old coach Tommy Rivers, who if you do not know him, look him up. He is the epitome of a man and a human in EVERY sense. He came into my life as a guide when I needed clarification the most. Yes, he was my running coach but also a calm, soothing voice of reason and direction when my marriage was in its last days. He coached me through the hardest race to date mentally and physically. He is now fighting for his life in the hospital with a rare form of lung cancer. The presence he has had in my life is just an example of the way he has impacted lives for countless others. So with the swiftness that his life went into limbo, it has shaken my core and the mortality of my life as I know it. I feel like I’m wasting my time. The life I have in this present could be gone any minute and I don’t want it to end here.

Being in this present state (physically and mentally), there just isn’t any space left. I have run my course here. A place I used to call home and be proud of now feels suffocating. I feel like my life is passing me by, that it is going on without me. I know that my full potential will not be reached here in any aspect of my life. Without a doubt, the kind of runner I can be is within reach. My best self is elsewhere.

The planner in me wants to have every little detail figured out before I leave, but I can’t help but shake that the best way for it to happen is probably just pick up and go like a ship in the night.