No matter how hard we try there are things that are out of our control. Things that we have no say in, things that happen no matter what. A couple of days ago I got that piece of information that I had been waiting for. I knew it was inevitable and it was just a matter of time before it happened. There are others who were still in the “if” stage, believing that it wouldn’t happen again. I knew better. Sometimes there are things that just don’t get better, the person/thing is so far damaged beyond repair that the only humane option is the end. But the tricky part is when the people affected are so concentrated on the hope, that they can’t see the pain and refuse to believe the end is the result.
Hope is strong, it can get you through many things and give you something to hold on to when everything else has failed. Hope is a death sentence as well, you get stuck in the illusion of what the truth is and reality becomes a blur. The truth hurts. Is hope some kind of a lie we say to ourselves to avoid the truth that bad things happen? They say that honesty is the best policy. does that apply to the ones we love, we care about? The little white lies, the half-truths and even the straight out omissions of the truth, do they come with a cost as well?
At some point in ones life there is a line drawn, not a line you can see, but it is so real that you can still trip over it. There is a time that comes that hope is no longer an option, it becomes a thing of the past, a distant memory. A tie is cut and a line put in it’s place, the line of protecting yourself and letting a person you love go. Don’t get me wrong that is a hard thing to do, to put yourself before others, to be selfish. but really who so we really have besides ourselves? Who is going to hold you accountable for your own actions, who is going to be there when no one else is?
I drew that line along time ago, it was not an easy decision, but I knew it was the right one. Me, Myself, and I were more important than the woman who was supposed to be my mother. Living in a world of secrecy and lies, love and hate, uncertainty and despair was over. At that moment the weight of worrying was lifted, I was no longer the caretaker and how liberating that was.
That cycle was going to break, right then.
With the events as of late, the news was the same as reading the paper, nothing new, just a different series of events leading up to the fall. The hurt happened when I had to witness the realization in my sister that she now had to draw that line. How can someone who has longed for her whole life to have a mother, now decide by her choice not to have one? It is quite possible that that line cannot be drawn until you are a mother yourself, to feel the bond, the love, and all the possibilities for your child. Not then do you understand that you will NOT be the mother you had. The unspoken vow taken at birth to protect them and give them the life you never had.
In the end it is possible to have good come out of the bad, and hope can shine once again through that promise of a better life.